It’s been a rough week. We’re still adjusting to the fact that my mother-in-law is no longer with us on this earth. We’ve been working hard to finish school (today’s the last day!). My husband has been on the phone a lot, helping with arrangements for the service. And I’ve been getting us ready to travel for the memorial service. It’s all necessary stuff. But it can get overwhelming.
This week I’ve discovered the importance of the word “no.” I’ve said no to watching the news (and I’m a news junkie!). The bad news on TV is just too much this week.
I’ve said no to work. My blog has been unusually quiet, and I’m OK with that. Thank you all for being OK with it too.
I’ve said no to housework, a lot of it anyway. Next week we won’t have school, so we’ll have plenty of time for housework then.
I’ve said no to internet time, outside activities, and even cooking (we had an everyone fend for themselves night).
And you know what? It feels good to say no.
Through my mother-in-law’s death I have been reminded of the gift of life we all have. And I’ve been reminded of the need to simplify.
My mother-in-law was gifted in letting people know they were special. That they mattered. A birthday never went by unnoticed. Any time we visited her house, she did her best to make it special. And even in the midst of my grief after losing a baby to miscarriage, my mother-in-law, more than anyone else, knew just how to react to show that she cared. She was there. Not just physically, but her complete attention was focused on the need at hand.
Life, for my mother-in-law, was about relationships. Her relationship with God. Her relationships with family. And that’s the way it should be. That’s why it’s important to say no.
There are a lot of good things in life. There’s always one more great homeschool subject to squeeze in. One more wonderful extra-curricular activity. One more opportunity to volunteer at church. One more TV show to watch, etc., etc., etc. But with each “one more thing” we say yes to, we’re saying no to something else. Time is finite.
Maybe we’re saying no to free time to rejuvenate. No to time for playing with the kids. No to quiet time with God.
Our lives, whether it be with our time or our money, are all about decisions. What we let in and what we keep out. This week I’ve been reminded that these choices are to be taken seriously.
At the end of my life, I want to be remembered as someone who made those around me feel special, someone like my mother-in-law. I don’t want to be the mommy who was always working. The mommy who never had time for anything fun. The wife who had time for everything but her husband.
I want to guard my time. To simplify, so I have time for what is truly important. My God. My husband. My family. My friends.
Life is short. Figure out your priorities and then live according to them. Don’t be afraid to say no to everything else. That’s my new mantra.
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So sorry to hear of your loss. No, is indeed very powerful. Something I advocate for all busy parents, regardless of what’s happening in their lives.
A lot of people (especially women, who are socialized to meet the needs of others) feel guilty about saying no. Your post is excellent because it illustrates that saying no can be guilt free. I am happy that you have said no this week! Good for you, for setting and maintaining your priorities through a challenging time. I know your Mother-in-law would be proud of you.
Lynnae,
I’m so sorry to hear of your loss of your mother-in-law. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family…….I’ve always said (mostly to myself) that ‘no’ is not a bad word. It needs to be used more often than it is, and that it should not be associated with the feeling of guilt. You hit the nail on the head when you mentioned making choices – I think we all get wrapped up in the routine of daily life that we forget that we choose the pattern we feel committed to. Thank you for a refreshing post!
Sorry about your loss. Although its really nice to hear good things about ones mother-in-law. As a Mom of two sons, who have God given “daughters” … it is nice to hear positive comments. Although no is good to say sometimes, i always try to say “yes” when asked for anything from my daughter-in-laws. You must of been a good one as she was. Thank you for words of encouragement.
NO allows you to do the things that are most important to you and your family – your highest priorities. NO allows you to save your strength for what must happen, to be able to get thru it all. NO allows your mind, your body, your spirit – time to heal. NO allows time. NO allows love in. NO is something we MUST do for ourselves, as if we do not take care of ourselves first, we cannot take care of those who are in our care and depend upon us.
NO is a very positive word :) Positive for what it allows in place of what you have said NO to.
I once went 18 years without TV in the house. Think of all I got to do because I was NOT in front of the the TV :) Now I have TV, mostly for the weather news if I want to check up on it, or an occasional Hallmark movie on a rainy day…. but most days the TV does not come on at all :)
Deaths are times of reflection, as you have seen. A time of learning.
Allow it all to sink in. Allow yourself this healing power of NO.
Thinking of you and your family with sunshine thoughts and prayers!
sorry for ur lose. however thank u for the reminder that life is so preciuos
and there is no tomorow
Sorry to hear of your loss. This is a wonderful post, though. Something I need to remind myself of all the time as I try finish one more load of laundry instead of reading a book to my kids or taking time to pray…
“No” is the most powerful and misunderstood word in our entire vocabulary. It doesn’t mean “I don’t like you”. It doesn’t mean “I don’t care about you”. It doesn’t mean “You don’t matter”. It simply means “I decline”…any value judgment attached beyond that is the value placed on the declining by the person who provided the opportunity for us to say “no”. Adding “no, thank you” to my vocabulary made my life one of my design, not one of default. So, please, I encourage you to say “no” whenever you want to…it doesn’t make you a bad person. Instead, it makes you a person who is very comfortable in her own skin and very aware of her priorities and how she’s stay on the path to achieving them.
So sorry to hear about your loss. I will keep your family in my prayers. ((HUGS))
I am so sorry to hear of your loss. Your mother in law sounds like she was an extremely wonderful person. My mother in law sounds just like yours. I am thankful to have her in my life, even more so after reading what you wrote!
I have always had a problem saying no to people. I guess I have always been afraid that by doing so I would make someone mad, hurt their feelings, or sound hateful, but you make it sound so easy and sweet!
Today was my first time here, and it won’t be my last! You have a wonderful, informative, and inspirational site. Thank you for a new way of looking at things! Take care and have a great night!
It certainly does sound like you had a tough week. I’m sorry, as well, about the loss of your mother in law. I trust that your husband, although on the phone doing arrangements, is also there for you.
You post is a great reminder of what is important. It reminds me of a book a read a few years ago called “Don’t Waste Your Life” by John Piper.
well said. Relationships are most important… w/ God, family and friends. Thanks for the reminder.
Thank you for this post. I had a brief but intensive stint yesterday toying with the idea of taking on a different job… full time instead of my current part time schedule. It would be a great career move and our family would have more money.
But when all is weighed out, I know that this is not the direction I want my life to head. I want MORE time with my family, and to do the things that are most important to me. I need more rejuventation time and working more would absolutely push that out of my life.
Thanks for echoing my thoughts and making them more concrete. The universe is speaking to me!
So sorry to hear of your family’s loss, I was busy NOT saying “no” to the pressures in my life and missed this post altogether. Your post rang so true with me, as my children are adults now and I look back and wish I had said “no” to housework and spent more time just loving them. There was always a standard of how clean the house had to be and someone always needed to be in charge of keeping life “running” or so I thought. Glad someone finally put to words the important truth of saying “no” to those things that really will not matter if they are done this week or next or next month. Lord, help me from this moment on to order my days aright and see the world with your eyes so that life doesn’t get in the way of what really matters. {{Hugs}} Lynnae, I will praying for you and your family.
I’m sorry about your loss, but I’m glad to hear you have things in perspective and are saying ‘no’ when you need to.
Sorry for your loss, but I truly Thank you for sharing your story. I am learning to say “no” which is painful to say to my children but must be done. Thanks!
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