(Not) Keeping Up With Our Parents: The Decision to Have Children
Posted by Lynnae on May 19, 2008
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This week we’re tackling the decision to have children.
There are lots of decisions to be made when couple decides if or when to have children. In (Not) Keeping Up With Our Parents, Nan Mooney addresses several reasons couples wait to have children, or decide not to have children at all.
A lot of the reasons Nan Mooney cites have to do with whether or not parents can afford to have children. Expenses like daycare, medical costs, college education, and the like are often used to determine if and when people should have children.
I’ve seen this debate on other blogs, and it’s an interesting one. And I have definite opinions on the subject. I don’t think it’s necessary to wait to have children until you can afford them.
Let me make one thing clear, before I go on. I am not in favor of people having child after child to abuse the welfare system.* I’m talking about having children before you can afford to save for college and provide your children with all the opportunities you’d like to give them.
Most People Will Never be Financially Ready to Have Children
There’s always something to spend money on. A house. A car. Rising gas prices. Before having children, these things seem like huge priorities. If you wait to have children until everything is financially under control, you run the risk of never having children.
If having children is a priority for you, you will find a way to pay for the other things after having children. Perhaps you’ll buy a smaller house, or rent like we do. Maybe you’ll drive a less expensive car. And when gas and food prices go up, you’ll adjust to deal with them.
I definitely think that people should be able to financially support themselves before having children, when possible (I realize that “oopses” happen). But waiting to have all your financial ducks in a row may mean a long wait. Which brings me to my next point.
Kids Don’t Need to Have Everything Handed to Them
I obviously don’t think you need to be able to provide the best of everything for your children. Furthermore, I think it can be good for kids to see financial sacrifice. Not the kind of sacrifice that keeps them up late at night worrying. I don’t think kids need to know everything, even if your situation is dire.
I do think it’s OK for kids to see you making choices and priorities in regard to money. For instance, we pay for satellite TV. My kids know that because we’ve made that choice, we don’t rent movies anymore. We can’t afford to do both, and we as a family get more enjoyment out of the TV channels than we did renting movies every weekend. We emphasize making priorities, rather than emphasizing what we can’t afford.
I also think it’s OK for college students to work their way through school. I did it, and I think I worked harder and appreciated my education more than some (but definitely not all) of my classmates whose college educations were completely paid for by their parents. I knew that if I blew too much money on things like clothes and parties, I wouldn’t have the money to pay for my books. Even though I didn’t know much about finances back then, I knew I had to save my money for college expenses rather than blowing it on frivolous things.
Many of my classmates didn’t care. They were accustomed to their parents paying for everything. They never saw the money, so it was easy for them to forget that college actually costs lots of money. They weren’t forced to learn about budgeting, so they didn’t. It’s human nature, especially in your teens and early twenties, to take the easy route. And that’s what they did. I’m quite certain I would have been more of a spendthrift, if my parents had paid for my college education, too.
You Can’t Have It All
One other thing Mooney mentioned in regards to the decision to have children was career considerations. She mentioned that often people in their 30s are at a point when they’re advancing in their careers quickly, and having a child can jeopardize the chances of further advancement.
I agree. Having children can jeopardize a career. If there’s one thing people need to do before having children, it’s set priorities. It’s very difficult to balance two parents who are extremely career focused with the demands of having children in the home. There will be sick days, daycare costs, doctor’s appointments, and parent-teacher conferences.
At least one parent will have to be less dedicated to their career in order to make it work out well. Contrary to popular opinion, you can’t have it all. A human being can only do so much. I’m not saying that both parents can’t have careers. Only that putting in the hours and effort necessary to advance quickly might be difficult, if not impossible, once you have children.
Now you know my opinion. I don’t think you need to wait to have children until you can afford them. What do you think? I know this topic is controversial, and I’m really interested in hearing opinions from all of you. Please just remember to be respectful of other people, even if you don’t agree with them.
*I think welfare, WIC, and other programs are a valuable resource for those who really need them and aren’t working the system. If you’ve ever been in a tight situation and needed these services, please don’t think I’m judging anyone who’s ever been on welfare. I had to use WIC and the Oregon Health Plan a couple of times myself.
Previous posts in the (Not) Keeping Up With Our Parents Series:
- (Not) Keeping Up With Our Parents
- The Rise and Fall of the Middle Class
- The Cost of a College Education
- Career Struggles
- Marriage
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You Might Also Like
- (Not) Keeping Up With Our Parents: Credit Card Debt
- (Not) Keeping Up With Our Parents: Health Care
- (Not) Keeping Up With Our Parents: Marriage
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I am not a financial expert. I'm just a wife and mom doing the best I can to live a frugal life and get out of debt. Like any human, I make mistakes. I write this blog out of my own experiences, and nothing I write should be taken as expert advice. If you need financial advice, please consult a professional.
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Interesting post, Lynnae. My fiance and I just attended a day-long workshop at our church yesterday in preparation for our upcoming wedding. This was one of the topics. I don’t think there will never be a “perfect” time to have children. As you said, there’s always something to spend money on, something happening in your career, etc..
Now, I don’t think you should set out to start a family if you’re so behind financially that you can barely feed yourself and stay current on your utility bills. That being said, I grew up in a home where money was tight. You know what? I never knew it at the time. We always had food, clothes, shelter and parents who loved us and spent time with us. It wasn’t until I was an adult that I heard my mom talk about having to budget and save for over a month just to take us to McDonald’s or the Dairy Queen. I give my parents a lot of credit for doing such a good job raising a family with what they had.
My wife and I are strongly considering having a third child. Kids are the best thing that ever happened to our home - they bring a certain vitality that can’t ever be expressed without them.
I completely agree with not stressing out over paying for your child’s college. I feel like so many people put this ahead of retirement and are left with little to nothing when the time comes. I’m not saying you can’t help out at all, just make sure that you’ve got your (financial) scene under control first!
Lovely post. I agree parent’s should plan to have children past having a spark in their eye. I was an unexpected suprise and by most people’s standards my parents couldn’t afford to have a child. We made it work though. My mom gave up a decent salary to stay home and raise me until I was in school full-time. I wore homemade clothes, ate cheap home cooked meals and to supplement her income my mother sold dolls and clothes at craft fairs. You never know where you life is going to lead, so why limit it because your children won’t be able to keep up with Jones Jr? I never knew how tight things really were, and to this day I still don’t think I comprehend how much they really sacrificed to have me. You’re right you can’t “have it all,” but you can have a lot with less.
We have waited until we could give our kids everything we wanted to…if we had had kids a few years ago, our financial lives were in shambles and it would not have gone well! Will check out that book.
Great post, Lynnae!
Personally, I’m in favor of waiting to have children until I can afford them. I don’t mean to provide lavishly on the child but at least, provide the necessities and a bit more.
I don’t think it’s fair to the child to do without or grow up in a house that is full of tension due to financial difficulties. I know I won’t be a great mom if I’m stressed out about money.
I believe that people should be responsible enough to take care of themselves first - meaning the couple can pay the rent/mortgage, put groceries on the table, and handle the basic necessities.
Then have the kids. If you wait until you can afford kids, you’ll always think it takes more money than it does, and you’ll never be able to afford them.
Once you have kids, you will do everything in your power to take good care of them and provide for them… that’s just how it’s supposed to happen. You’ll find it does not cost as much as you’ve been told…. provided you make wise and frugal choices!!! You’ll find a way to provide for them, and to make the choices that are in the best interest of the family.. . You might be ‘giving up’ that whirlwind European tour to all the gambling casinos (not my cup of tea at all) in favor of a family camping trip thru free national parks, but you’ll still be having a great family time. And that’s all that matters!!!
My kids grew up with cooking from scratch and homemade clothes while they were young. My grandkids get a thrill out of homemade clothes and gifts. And garage saling! My kids are all frugal now also, and learned at an early stage to set their financial priorities and to save up
And I can say from experience that it did NOT cost anywhere near what the “experts” say it costs to raise kids back then.
About college: They each had a small savings acct that we put into. After High School graduation, it was theirs to do with it what they wanted. Each took some college courses. They youngest went back after the kids were in grade school to get her nursing degree - and she’s paying for it as she goes - community college first.
Personally, I don’t feel a college education is necessary to make it financially - altho in some fields it is required. And yes, I have one, but never saw where having the degree helped out. It’s not how much you make, but how much you DON”T spend !
Good posting question - thanks for the opportunity to give my “older” input
Lynnae,
Just for kicks, a couple of months ago on my blog, I figured up how much my kids have cost since they were born (they’re now 3&1/2 and almost 2).
I won’t go into details, because I did that on that post, but since I got everything at yard sales, or hand-me-down, etc., I figure it was about $1600 total, including food.
So, babies don’t have to be expensive! But, I will say that people who aren’t making ends meet now should put off having children until they do (not advocating abortion, by any means! but they should try not to conceive). Yet, God will provide.
Our oldest son was born when my husband and I were fresh out of college, and seemingly in ‘no financial position’ to become parents.
Before we ever married, we had agreed that once we had children, I would be a SAHM until the youngest was well into elementary school, and then I would do something out of my home as extra income so I could be here when they got home each day.
My graphic design career aspirations were shelved in favor of babysitting a neice and two nephews full-time, though I was able to use my skills in many satisfying endeavors as a volunteer and in our church, and occasionally side jobs for pay.
It was a sacrifice (the career part), but I was able to stay home with my son, make extra money, all while managing things as frugally as possible on the home front so that we could get by on my husband’s teaching salary. Things were tight, but I’ve NEVER regretted it. I may not make a tangible income anymore as a SAHM (I’m no longer babysitting for other folks), but the payoff in hugs and kisses and my getting to be there to see all our children’s ‘firsts’ and to kiss boo-boos when they get hurt (and being free for other enjoyable pursuits) was well worth the trade-off. I believe our marriage and family life is the better for it as well.
We wavered about having more children after our first. What we’d never considered (before having children), was how hard it would be when our oldest son began asking for brothers and sisters, and we kept putting it off thinking there would be a ‘better’ time later. We did finally have our second son when our oldest was 9 years old (and I was 35). He was a ’surprise’, and came at a time while my husband was finishing his Master’s degree and took a pay cut in favor of a better, more stable job. Again, we adjusted, and after experiencing the joys of a bigger family, we will always regret not having had more children in between them. I can’t explain it, except to say that our family seems incomplete somehow.
I am now in my late 30’s without much time left on the old biological clock, wishing we’d just gone ahead and had more children when we were younger, as we know we would have ‘adjusted’ somehow, and our lives would be the richer for it.
I have a cousin who always wanted children, but after marrying learned that her husband (who came from a very poor, very large family of 10) did not want children ever. He was adamant about it. Sadly, years later, when she was well past child-bearing age, they divorced. She literally gave up everything for that man’s rather selfish reasons of wanting to be ‘well off professionals’ instead of ‘poor with a family’, only to be left with nothing but a nice wardrobe and a nice home. If he could, she would happily trade her financial ’security’ for children and grandchildren.
Good post…and I think most people who subscribe will agree. Thanks for the reassurance, you know, we’re not mainstream in our thinking and it’s good to read the comments and see that I’m not alone in my beliefs. I”m a stay at home mom and we’ve given up alot to be able to accomplish that.
Kathy
Very interesting post. I’m 23 and have been with my boyfriend for three years…it’s amazing to me that my grandmother was already married and I believe pregnant with her second child by this age. I am very excited about having a successful career, and I do a ton of babysitting/nannying on the side (and full-time several summers) and have seen many of the ups and downs of having kids. I am just not in a place right now where I want that at all. I am not sure if I want to have kids at all, and I know that if I ever do, it won’t be anytime soon. But then I worry that I’ll be older, eggs won’t be as healthy, I won’t have as much energy, or will be in a career I won’t want to leave. All tough choices, though I know most people find a way to make things work since kids always come first. It just boggles my mind that several decades ago, people were already raising families at my age, and I’m still afraid of tying the knot! I think this is increasingly common as me and so many of my friends grew up with divorced parents and don’t want to rush things. I’m blabbing…thanks for the insightful post!
My husband and I thought we were waiting for the “perfect” time to start having kids and then a few months after I got pregnant with our first, he decided to go back to school. Not such perfect timing after all! So, even if you think you have all your ducks in a row, stuff happens.
For us, we just focus on whether or not we can pay for the birth. Clearly things could happen here that would cause it to be a lot more, but I if you can afford to pay for your prenatal care and a normal delivery without going into debt, you’re financially ready for children.
Great post. I agree with alot of what you say. As younger parents - I’m 26 and my husband is 27 - we have a 9 month old. We see alot of our friends waiting to have children and some of it is for financial reasons.
I agree there is no right time - but you can make it work. I also agree about that one person has to be less dedicated to their career. I’ve got a comfortable job in which I can work hard - but can be there for my daughter with work at home, flex time, etc. My husband has taken on the role of the more demanding job and it works for us.
This message is for the previous comment from Becky:
Becky…have another child now before it’s too late!! I have that same feeling, where I wish now that I had had a bigger family. Just like you, I have two children, they are 7 years apart and are now in their 20s. I’m 46 and I have had this feeling for a long time. In my late 30s I thought about having one more, but I thought I was getting too old and my kids were getting too old to bring another baby into the family…now I wish so bad that I had done it! My older sister is the same way. She has everything - a gorgeous house, plenty of money, a wonderful husband - she had just one child (who is married but has decided she doesn’t want children herself so there will be no grandchildren), and my sister told me that she has only one regret in her life…not having more children. She thought they really couldn’t afford them when they were young…little did she know that by the time they would reach their 40s they would be very, very well off. Now they have a huge house with an inground swimming pool and lots of bedrooms…and it’s empty.
Amen, Lynnae! I agree with every point you’ve made here. DH and I aren’t models for perfect financial fitness (though we’re doing a lot better since we decided, you know, to have a plan), but I canNOT imagine our family without our precious kiddos. They really are the best thing that’s happened to us, regardless of how expensive diapers are.
It really does sadden me to hear of more and more people waiting for the perfect time. As you said - that will never happen.
I definitely think that you are never well off enough to have a child! I think that you will always have to make sacrifices in order to afford a child and so it doesn’t matter when you do it. I have 2 children and one of the reasons I am not having a third is financial - I would not only need to pay for fertility treatment again, I would a bigger house, bigger car and would almost certainly have to give up work as I just about to manage to work from home at the moment but with 3 children I cannot imagine being able to cope! However, this is only a small part of the decision there are many other influences as well and you need to weigh each up carefully.
Thanks for the interesting post!
I agree with you that couples don’t need to wait to have children until they can afford them, though I understand that there can be considerable reasons for this. Apparently, making decision to have children when you don’t know how to get clear of debts and have financial problems, you don’t want to solve in time, is senseless. First of all we are to be able to take care of ourselves. I agree that it’s a good point to plan and set goals but this should be a real plan, otherwise you will never be ready to have children.
Educational fees are really high but kids don’t need to go to college right after they are born. I think you can have enough time to plan how much to save, let’s say monthly or yearly, and get prepared before you need to pay college fees.
Moreover I think that you will never be really good in budgeting and financial planning before you have children and real responsibility :))
I think if God blesses you with a child He will provide a way for you to provide for your family (if you are willing to work and not have all your wants and desires met.)
I think if many people waited to have children until they felt they could afford them… well, those folks would still be waiting!
I agree that having children requires a balance and a huge shift in how you used to live. Your priorities change, but sometimes that priority shift makes it so that you couldn’t imagine NOT having children. The children are worth it.
and another quip from the over 50 crowd…
there’s no way to have grandchildren without having children… (unless you “adopt” them…)
and I could just NOT imagine life without all my ‘little ones’ - all 7 and a half of them
The joys are more than multiplied, and it is about the best thing that can happen to a person
Hard to explain until your first grandchild arrives - and then you are in a whole new wonderful world the likes of which you could never have imagined fully! 
And yes, they ALL know that Grammi ’shops’ at garage sales
And they like to tag along.
your blog is an enjoyment to read and i especially love the bits about “(not) keeping up with our parents” sounds like a great book!
I’m really interested in this whole discussion - I think that there are many issues facing people trying to make the decision.
I think it’s one thing if you don’t want children or are looking at a childfree lifestyle - then don’t feel pressured into having kids.
But if you are thinking yes you do want kids, then I tend to think that there isn’t a right time - it will always be difficult.
There is a blogger called Grad Mommy who has written about similiar issues and I’ve linked to her post on one of my posts!
My husband and I have one son who is 2 1/2 and we are in the big debate about #2. I know that we both would like to have another child but financially I think it would be so stressful for us. I am 34 and would like to be done having children by the time I am 36 and so I am worried that I will make a decision that could hurt our family by having another child.
I know we would love another child but right now our budget is tight enough that there really isn’t any extra to be had. We have stressed about this decision for months now and still can’t make a decision. I don’t want in 10 years to wish I would have had another child. I feel like we are making a SMART choice instead of going with our hearts - not sure if that is good or bad. I wish we didn’t worry so much and just did it and figured it out but we are both worrying kind of people again not sure that is ever going to change - hence the reason another child might be too much for us.
Help!