Frugal | Conversations With God

Conversations With God

Posted by Lynnae on April 13, 2008

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Who am I to demand anything from the God who created the universe?

The following is a post completely unrelated to personal finance. On Sundays I write about whatever is on my mind, so my readers can get to know me and my perspective on life better. If you’re looking for a finance or frugality post, please check back tomorrow, when I’ll be back on topic.

I’m going to tell you a story from several years ago. My daughter was a year old, and my husband and I had been trying for baby #2 for a year. If you’ve ever been through infertility, you know the routine. Take your temperature every morning. If your temperature stays high, you might be pregnant. If your temperature drops, you’re not.

On this particular Sunday morning, my temperature dropped. At first I was sad and hurt. That sadness quickly turned to anger. Anger at God. Why would He not bless us with a child? There are so many children born to mothers who don’t want their babies? Why didn’t He give a child to my husband and I? We would raise our children to love the Lord. I didn’t understand.

My husband was the worship leader at church that Sunday, and I was singing with the worship team. Except I didn’t feel like singing. I felt so fake, standing up in front of the church singing praises to God, when I didn’t feel like praising him. I managed to get through most of the worship set, with a fake smile plastered on my face. Then we got to the last song. I still remember this conversation as if it were yesterday.

I’m going to type out the song with my thoughts in italics. I’m sure those of you who have been to church for any length of time will immediately recognize the song.

Oh Lord my God, when I in awesome wonder

Lord, I do wonder. I wonder why you are not blessing me with a child.

Consider all the worlds thy hands have made.

I do believe you’ve made all the world? Why can’t you create a child for me?

I see the stars. I hear the rolling thunder. Thy power throughout the universe displayed.

Why Lord?

Then sings my soul, my Savior God to thee.

I don’t feel like singing.

How great thou art, how great though art.

Yes, you’re great, but why?

Then sings my soul, my Savior God to thee. How great thou art, how great though art.

When Christ shall come.

Please come soon Lord, I can’t take the pain anymore.

With shout of acclamation

I can’t muster a shout right now, Lord.

And take me home, what joy shall fill my heart.

It will be good to see you someday, Lord.

Then I shall bow, in humble adoration

Who am I, compared to your greatness?

And there proclaim: “My God, how great thou art!”

Lord, I was so wrong. You are great, and who am I to question your plan?

Then sings my soul, my Savior God to Thee

I’m ready to sing now.

How great thou art, How great thou art

You are great, Lord.

Then sings my soul, my Savior God to thee, How great thou art, how great thou art.

No words at this point, just tears.

Music has always been able to just reach in and grab a hold of my heart when words alone can’t do the trick. A wise pastor once gave me the following advice. He told me that God can handle my anger, but it’s important to just keep talking to him. He’s a God that won’t force Himself upon me, so if I quit talking to Him, He’ll back off until I’m ready to come back. But if I keep talking to Him, even if I’m yelling at him, God can work with me, just like He did through that song.

When it comes to talking to God, it’s best to not be frugal with your words. Have a blessed Sunday, and I’ll be back with a finance or frugality post tomorrow.

If you’ve never heard “How Great Thou Art” before, you can listen to it on YouTube.

Photo by fast eddie 42.

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Comments

12 Responses to “Conversations With God”

  1. LJ on April 13th, 2008 9:06 am

    I know exactly how you felt. It took over a year for us to become pregnant with our first child and it really can lead to you questioning a lot of things in life, including faith.

    I had a hard time understanding why so many people were on the news every day abandoning or abusing children and here we were wanting to love a child with every fiber of our beings and nothing for 14 months.

    When we stopped worrying and just kept praying, we got pregnant and after that first one, no problems with the rest. Each pregnancy has happened faster than we would expect after that first agonizing 14 months.

    It can be hard, but it will happen, just keep talking/praying/singing/praising…

    Take Care

    LJ

  2. Lynnae on April 13th, 2008 9:48 am
    I should probably have added that we finally did get baby #2, after some more trials and heartache. And if we are ever blessed with a #3, I will be shocked and thrilled, but our family feels pretty complete with Liz and Sam.
  3. Four Pillars on April 13th, 2008 10:53 am

    Great post. It’s nice to read a story where you know there is a happy ending! :)
    Mike

  4. Susan on April 13th, 2008 11:49 am

    I absolutely love that hymn. I get tears in my eyes with the congregation singing with full hearts, and I don’t even need to be going through a trying time!

    This post reminded me of what our pastor mentioned this morning - that everything is according to God’s timing, not ours. Sometimes it’s very hard for me to be patient or understand the “why” of difficult times or waiting for something really special. The lesson for me is to give everything to God, have faith, know that all is working for my best, and to wait on His timing.

    Thanks for a great post!

  5. Kathy on April 13th, 2008 2:04 pm

    Your story gave me chills. Thanks for sharing!

  6. Rachel on April 13th, 2008 3:54 pm

    I was told at the age of 19 that I may end up facing infertility when the time came for me to have kids. It broke my heart because my whole life, all I wanted to do was be a wife and mom. I went through several months of anger and confusion and sought comfort in food and other people instead of in my savior. It took me awhile to drop to me knees and return to the foot of the cross. Now as a married woman, I have seen God provide a child to my friend who was told the same thing. We are preparing to start trying soon as my health condition requires preplanning. A lot of prayer is happening now as we prepare to try. Thanks for sharing your story. Its good to know I’m not the only who struggles in this area. Jer. 29:11

  7. Charlie Park on April 13th, 2008 5:34 pm

    I *love* that hymn. It’s one of my absolute all-time favorites. And your story frames it so well. Thank you so much for sharing that.

  8. Andrew Neufang on April 14th, 2008 4:24 am

    Thank you for sharing how you worked out your anger by praising God. It’s always encouraging to hear when people apply The Word as in 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 “Rejoice evermore. Pray without ceasing. In every thing give thanks: for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus concerning you.” Continue to be encouraged in the LORD and remember if you want a third child, God is able and willing. “Delight thyself also in the LORD: and he shall give thee the desires of thine heart.” (Psalm 37:4). Take it to God and have faith as Jesus told us “For verily I say unto you, That whosoever shall say unto this mountain, Be thou removed, and be thou cast into the sea; and shall not doubt in his heart, but shall believe that those things which he saith shall come to pass; he shall have whatsoever he saith..” (Mark 11:23).
    “And whatsoever ye shall ask in my name, that will I do, that the Father may be glorified in the Son. If ye shall ask any thing in my name, I will do it.” (John 14:13-14)

  9. Michelle H. on April 14th, 2008 9:00 am

    Hi Lynnae,

    This story touched my heart. I never had this particular struggle, but I have experienced trying to sing in church with a broken heart with a fake smile on my face. There is hardly any way to describe how the Lord can turn your brokenness into joy just by singing/praying/crying out to Him, but you described it so well. Your post reminded me of the story of Hannah in the Bible. I’m so thankful we have a merciful, heavenly Father who knows and cares about our sorrowful spirit, who can calm our anger and uproot our bitterness all in the course of one song!
    Blessings!
    Michelle

  10. Ana on April 14th, 2008 9:14 am

    I understand how you feel. I have gone through the same situation. Even worse after praying for years I got pregnant and I lost my baby after 7 weeks. I got tired of people telling me “It is God’s will and God knows best.” It is difficult, but the Lord reins and the Lord loves us and probably all those well wisher are right.

    Keep the faith and work with your body. There are so many women who were told that they will never have babies and they did. My family has a friend who pray for years and at 46 she had a healthy baby girl. May the Lord bless you.

  11. Elisa on April 14th, 2008 11:23 am

    Thank you for sharing your story. I have been going through a particularly difficult time in my life the last couple of months. I’ve stepped out of the choir because at church recently because I was so tired of trying to sing “on stage” with a fake smile on my face when all I want to do is cry. Thank you for reminding me with your thoughts to this wonderful song that I should be singing and praising Him no matter the storms I face because He is great!

  12. Saph -Walk with Me on April 15th, 2008 5:16 am

    Wow, thanks for sharing. It took me a year to finally get pregnant and it was a hard long year for me watching all my friends get pregnant with their second so quickly and easily.
    Anyway, I’ve been dealing with my anger at God for something that happened last year in my marriage and I’m just not getting to the point that I can’t stay angry at Him and risk losing my soul over this. I let myself get so far from Him and now I’m struggling to get back to the relationship I had with Him. Your story was a much needed reminder.

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